You Have to be Seen to be Heard
-Hello. – Do you remember me?
- No, I’m sorry.
- I was in here yesterday. You wouldn’t wait on me.
- Oh.
- You work on commission, right?
- Uh, yes.
- Big mistake. Big. Huge!
- I have to go shopping now. Bye!
Julia Roberts,
Pretty Woman
If you remember this scene from the 1995 film, you remember that the saleswomen in a tone-y Beverly Hills boutique refused to wait on Ms. Roberts because she did not fit the profile of a valued and valuable customer. This scene prompted a lot of “head-nodding” among minority movie-goers. After all, it represents an experience similar to one (or more) many of us could recount. In effect, it renders a person invisible – a condition Ellison wrote about in his landmark book. Strangely enough, whether it’s in a retail environment, a career or job-search situation, or any one of several areas in which appearances can drive a response, I am beginning to have to question whether it’s my race or my age (and gender) that’s having the biggest impact. And while, like most African-Americans, my insistence on my rights is second nature by now, I am surprised to say that it’s only lately that I have begun to heat up my response when I suspect that I am being dismissed because I am perceived as a “woman of a certain age”. But, shopkeepers, interviewers and bureaucrats of all stripes should be aware (beware?):
Justifying your old, musty reactions to any group is, well…
A Big Mistake.
Big.
Huge!
Why?
Because in our 21st century, post-Obama world, this country is undergoing what could be called a “paradigm shift” or a change from one way of thinking about a diverse society to another. This shift has already begun to change the way we see many kinds of “difference”. It often involves seeing people you think you know for the first time. For our sakes and for our country’s sake, we need to take everyone seriously: young, old, native-born, immigrant, enabled, disabled, black, white, red, yellow, multi-racial, etc.
Miss this moment and you risk making a “Big Mistake. Big. Huge!”
This kind of mistake has the same potential impact that not understanding that baseball after Jackie Robinson was a different game...that women earning the right to vote would work, mother, love and live differently…and that, as Satchel Paige used to say:
“Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”
It means understanding that recognizing the value (real or potential) of everyone we encounter, also constitutes a different game – one in which, because everyone matters, “our team” has a better chance to win. There is a whole universe of difference that makes diversity a rich and rewarding topic I want to continue to talk about. And before you say that I’m preaching to the choir, think of an instance in which you were either taken for granted or in which you felt invisible. Then, think of one in which you actually (or almost) missed noticing or “seeing” someone else. And then, think why.
Ask yourself, when it comes to diversity, are we still making mistakes? Oh, yeah.
Big Mistakes?
Big.
Huge!
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A conversation about difference that recognizes the persistence - and sometimes the value - of seeing and assessing the impact of diversity. Pointing out the need to call out the negative as well as to hold on to the positive - e.g. the beauty of variety vs. the dysfunction of the post-racial, post-feminist, post (your word here), environment of 2009 and beyond.
A Buddhist way of thinking is to treat everyone you encounter BETTER then you would want to be treated. When you practice this happiness comes back to you. People need to start to practice being nice to every single being. Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteBridget Bullen
Martha Gay's friend
Carole - great observations and very thought provoking. I just returned from a trip to Morroco and had the whole experience of not being seen or being seen as something quite different than I am.
ReplyDeleteSatellite dishes were everywhere and someone commented that the Morrocan sense of the US comes from the 100s of channels on satellite TV. As a Western woman I was treated in a variety of ways and the most unnerving was when Muslim men touched my body. From my extensive pre-trip reading, I knew that a Morrocan woman would never be touched by a shop keeper or men on the street. Because I am an American, it meant that I am different and could be treated differently from women of that country, even though I dressed respectfully. My sense is that there were all these assumptions about my morals and values because of my being an American woman. I felt as though I were locked inside a box and nothing I could do or say would change the image some people had of me. As a result I acted pretty fierce in some situations to make it clear that I have a boundary around me and that touching me or disrespecting me was not OK.
It was a good experience and a helpful reminder that making assumptions about people is never a good thing.
Thank you for your post.
Julie Murphy